About this time last year, I was preparing both physically and emotionally for my July 1st Rotator Cuff surgery. I refer to my May bath tub fall as a blessing in disguise. Why? Because the post surgery pain medicine that was prescribed also alleviated the back pain that had made my life miserable for so many years. I'm blessed that I no longer need to get the epidural injections every 6 months for back pain. Because our blessings come in so many different forms, we don't always recognize them as such.

The Bereavement Group wasn't what I expected.. Repeating my situation every week was like picking a scab off a wound.
Medication and individual grief counseling worked for me. I

seldom cry any more, but sometimes I miss San so much that my heart actually hurts. After 60 years together, I guess it is impossible not to miss having him in my life. When I wake up after dreaming of him in an every day situation, it's almost like he's still here. It truly helps me to deal with living without him.

About this time last year, I was preparing both physically and emotionally for my July 1st Rotator Cuff surgery. I refer to my May bath tub fall as a blessing in disguise. Why? Because the post surgery pain medicine that was prescribed also alleviated the back pain that had made my life miserable for so many years. I'm blessed that I no longer need to get the epidural injections every 6 months for back pain. Because our blessings come in so many different forms, we don't always recognize them as such.

The Bereavement Group wasn't what I expected.. Repeating my situation every week was like picking a scab off a wound.
Medication and individual grief counseling worked for me. I

seldom cry any more, but sometimes I miss San so much that my heart actually hurts. After 60 years together, I guess it is impossible not to miss having him in my life. When I wake up after dreaming of him in an every day situation, it's almost like he's still here. It truly helps me to deal with living without him.

ME

I might not be the most beautiful person or have the perfect body.
I might not be the first choice, but I am a GREAT choice!
I don't pretend to be some one else, because I am too good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done..
But I am proud of who I am today.
Take me as I am...or watch me as I go!

I hope you enjoy living your life and being YOU!!

eReaders

Do you have an eReader? If yes, tell me about yours. I just got an Amazon Kindle. I haven't downloaded any books or music yet, but I'm excited about owning one.

I spend lots of time waiting for and riding buses [I don't drive] and like most people my age I spend a lot of my time in medical offices.

Though I haven't actually used it yet, I like the features. I can just slip it into my purse, regardless of the number of pages...having reading matter and music all combined in a handy size unit. Having choices available for my mood with no actual planning for that day/time. It also automatically returns to where I left off.

Sounds awesome to me.....

My Latest Travel Adventure

I took my first flight in almost a year..these days flying sucks with all of the security measures in place. It could and would have been worse if I were not a wheelchair passenger, which enabled me to speed through the security process. Both going and returning I was assigned a seat described as 'having some drawbacks'...there was no window, which proved to be good for me because I was able to read my book without glare.

I went to Atlanta for Pam, my number 1 daughter's early retirement celebration. In addition to that I had the pleasure of having lunch with some of my former co-workers from TWA in NYC... Many former TWA employees relocated to Atlanta. I had not seen some of them since the 1980s. One very special friend took half of a vacation day off from work and drove 50 miles to see me, which made me feel so very special and humble.

Colette, my youngest daughter and her daughter, Noelle, also went to Atlanta completing our immediate family; as my middle daughter Toni, her daughter and granddaughters also live in Atlanta. It was an awesome celebration. I will add pictures if I can .

WELCOME BACK TO THE BUNNI TRAIL!

It's been quite a while since my last post.

Thanks for your interest in me and what's happening in my life.

Noelle, my youngest grandchild, encouraged me to continue my blog.

I hope I never bore or disappoint you... I find my life less exciting that I would choose if I could choose. But I still consider myself blessed with the gifts and options that I have, especially when I see others who are much less fortunate than I am.

I would like your comments.. They probably would help me decide what to share and definitely encourage me to blog again.

Come back soon.

Family Reunion

Walk In Bathtubs

After I consciously acknowledged that it was becoming dangerous getting in and out of the bathtub. I decided to look into the new ads I've seen for the 'Walk in Bathtub'. While researching, I found that there is a product that's MUCH less expensive out there that is exactly what I need. It is called a Bathtub Conversion kit. The center of the bath tub is cut out and replaced with a finished piece that allows one to step into the tub through the opening. Yeaaaa. It looks like the tub was made that way. However,I'm having a huge problem finding a company here in Southeast Florida that installs that particular product. I really don't want to nor need to replace my bathtub with a new tub that comes with the middle already cut out...It would cost at least twice as much. I'll keep checking around..with hopes of finding it locally.

More New Beginnings

I usually use the local [60 cents each way] bus to my doctor's office, but because we've had so much heavy rain this week I decided to prearrange for para-transit service [$2.50 each way]. Was I ever happy that I made that choice...just before I was to be picked up the skies opened up... very heavy rain with lightning and thunder. It was raining when Ireturned.

At my first Berevement Support meeting I was disappointed becauee it was just me and the facilator. However, I was happy at today's meeting where there were 5 of us plus the facilator.. Rather than looking for another group, I look forward to getting together with this group. It was interesting.. one lost a mother, one lost a wife and another lost a son.
After the meeting was over I found that I have a new friend. She volunteered to drive me home and as we talked, we found we have a number of interests in common.

JULY MEDICAL CHATTER

I've been given a series of 3 epidurals every 6 months since the first of 2008. In March I had 3, which did not work,so in April, I had 3 more using different meds..they helped some. I had 3 this month which they said were 'more specific' [aka a new med]. A Pain Management Physician in a Surgical Center does the procedure. He had recently mentioned that he would like to see a medical report re the condition of my back. Over the weekend when I was filing papers, I found 3 MRI reports as well as a Bone Density report, which I took today for him to see. After reviewing them, he said that my back is really bad and he's suprised that I'm able get any pain relief.
Last week, he said that 'my back is so tight' that it is difficult to get the meds to the area where they're needed. Well, the pain during the procedure today was greater than EVER before..it made me scream. The OR staff was trying to reassure me that it was hurting so much because the meds were going where it was needed. I'm praying that they were right. Later or next week, hopefully I'll learn that they were right and not just helping me to endure the pain.

Because of the increasing negative changes I'm observing in my body, I know that in the not too distant future...I will need assistanance maintaining my mobility.. When I leave home I use my cane. I can manage inside without it because my apartment is comapct. Last month I asked my Primary Physician if there's a possibility that my insurance and/or Medicare would pay for a scooter for me. She firmly assured me they would not!! So I started to research small portable scooters. When a quarterly dividend check arrived,I decided not to reinvest it as usual...I purchased a scooter which I feel will be exactly what I will need and be happy with in the near future.
The pain doctor's comment today re my back's condition confirmed that I made a wise decision to purchase my scooter.

I'M GLAD TO BE BACK

It's a great feeling to be back blogging again.. There have been so many times that I wanted to return to my blog but there was so much to write about that I couldn't decide where to begin.. I felt like I was about to begin in the middle of a story. I understand now that it would have been so much easier/better if I had done short blogs rather than waiting to write regular length blogs.
Meanwhile, I joined Facebook on a dare and I'm so happy that I did because I've reconnected with many of my former TWA coworkers.
You must forgive me if I seem to ramble as I try to catch up.
Yesterday I attended my first Bereavement Support meeting at the Senior Center.. Because it's summertime when people are away on vacation and/or just have other things to do, the usual number of attendees did not show up. It gave me the opportunity to bond with the facilator. It's not my first support group, and I expect this one will be a lot different, but in what way I'm not sure.

WIDOWHOOD

Since becoming a widow I've become more introspective... I've learned things about myself…such as that we somehow manage to do what we gotta do and do things that we never thought we could do.. It makes me feel sort of like a 'survivor'.

I‘ve always been a people watcher, I notice behavior and mannerisms like never before. It's as if I'm looking at the world through someone else's eyes, which I find to be neither good nor bad, but different and interesting.

Have not joined a bereavement group yet and only a couple of widows have discussed widowhood with me because I've been so busy trying to get my life back on track.

After spending so much time on the phone dealing with companies such as phone companies, banks, etc. their employees made me wonder, if I were connected to the customer service or the customer hassle department. I don't think it was personal. I think they treat all callers the same...with rudeness and indifference.

Subconsciously I’ve always felt protected and safe, but much to my surprise and dismay...with my Hero gone...for the first time that I can ever remember, I feel vulnerable, even though my Daughter and Grand daughter are living with me.

After many have suggested that I do so...I've begun journaling which I find quite similar to blogging.

Now that I'm not being driven everywhere and now ride the buses, I've had the pleasure of meeting some really nice ladies here in our community...whom I don't believe I would have met, had my circumstances not changed.

MY FIRST CRUISE ALONE

This cruise included many firsts for me... The first time I've ever been on a cruise alone; the first time I boarded a cruise ship wearing a warm sweater and jacket; my first 4 day cruise; the first time we visited only one port and the first time I was disappointed with a cruise...after many cruises since my first cruise around 1971... Murphy's Law prevailed on this cruise as it often does in my life.

I requested a wheel chair and Royal Caribbean did not have one waiting for me when I checked in.. But when it arrived, the boarding process was expedited and I was taken all the way to my cabin. It was the coldest February 5th on record for Ft Lauderdale. It was so windy and cold up on the top deck that I stayed only long enough to have someone take my picture.
Because I was not in my cabin when the fire-boat drill sounded, prior to departure, I went directly to my assigned fire-boat station which fortunately, was in a dining room (not outside in the cold). Not being a first time cruiser...I was not required to put on one of the life jackets they had for guests who did not come there from their cabins..

After dinner I went to see the show, which I couldn't actually see, it was blurry because I didn't have my 'distance' glasses, but it was no great loss.
On the turned back bed there was NO chocolate on my pillow. I went to bed early with hopes of getting up early and after breakfast finding a nice shady spot by the pool. It didn't happen.. it was overcast, still windy and cold up there...all day. No Problem...the next day would be a full day in Cozumel.

The Captain's Welcome Formal Night was different than any ever before. Free Champagne was being served all over the 5th deck..not in a large ballroom.. Pictures with the Captain were being taken near the entrance to the club, where after dinner of the 2nd seating, he would greet guests and introduce his officers.... After playing Trivia at the club where the Red Hat ladies meet, I met a couple of Red Hatters, then went to the casino and played my $20..won and lost it all back.

Next day.. I dressed to go ashore after breakfast to pick up some souvenirs. I let them take my picture, outside the ship. And started to walk down the pier when I realized that I would not be able to walk... it was TOO far. ..The ship had anchored more than a ship's length from the half way mark. No wheel chairs were available, so I went back on board and decided to spend the afternoon by the pool. NOT!!.... about noon when I got up there...there were less than a dozen people and they were gathering their belongings to leave the area. They were wearing sweats, hoodies, were wrapped in towels and holding onto their caps/hats. Off the ship it was warm and windy, but up on the pool deck it was unbelievably windy and cold.
After lunch I went to see the Ice Dancing show.. once again I didn't have my 'distance' glasses. But because it was smaller, I was able to see a little better than I could in the big theater.

On TV a George Clooney movie was shown in 5 languages, but I was never able to see it in English, the signal was too weak or the screen was blank. The CNN channel also had a weak signal most of the time but the Fox News channel was always there :( Bashing our new president.

Sunday, the last day of the cruise [day at sea] I went to an Interdenominational church service and shopped for souvenirs for my family in the shops on board. They were given gifts from Cozumel the last time we were there, so no biggy...

Usually, there are lots of sweet pastry choices at the breakfast buffet, but there were only raised donuts and they could be found in only one location. The breakfasts in the dining room were good, as they usually are. The last night's dinner menu included some of the same Entree choices that we'd been offered in the past 3 days. None of which I found to be as good as Cruise ship dinners I had in the past, except for the Tiger Shrimp. I wonder if the food differences were due to the economy or ??? This was my first 4 day cruise, I've taken 5, 7 and 10 day cruises and in the past, the food never left anything to be desired. I'll think twice before I take another cruise on RCL.

The day I returned I had a sore throat and sinus pain, I came home and stayed in bed for 3 days, the 4th day I went to the doctor, who confirmed that I had a sinus and ear infection... I felt better immediately after I began a 5 day Antibiotic therapy.

It's almost 3 months since I became a widow and I'm still trying to get my affairs in order. Some days I spend hours on the phone.. some people make promises that are not kept and when I call back there's no record that I ever called... and sometimes it happens all over again... It's really frustrating, but it's happened so many times that I'm no longer surprised when things don't happen as promised. I just keep telling my self ... And this too, shall pass.

In case you missed these before:
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ourhero/Homepage.aspx
[This Memorial website was created initially by Toni and then by all 3 of our daughters: Pam, Toni and Colette]

http://www.youtube.com/user/cocolette8
[This one was created by our youngest daughter, Colette and her daughter Noelle]

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLanding.action?c=6749cvu.mb9ln9y&x=0&y=xhc0w5&localeid=en_US
[This one was created by Toni, our own Mz Paparazzi. It includes Saturday, Sunday and Monday...San's birthday, the whole weekend of our Celebration of Sanford's Life]

MY NEW BEGINNING

For those of you who may have missed Sanford's Memorial web site and/or Our Celebration of Life Weekend click or copy/paste these links: http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ourhero/Homepage.aspx
http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLanding.action?c=6749cvu.mb9ln9y&x=0&y=xhc0w5&localeid=en_US

Your messages meant more to me than you know. I'm blessed.. doing better than I would ever have imagined, IF, I had thought that my beloved Sanford would predecease me. I realize now that subconsciously I thought that he was invincible... His Mom lived to be 104 years old [he had so many of her genes], he had survived and bounced back after 5 cancers, plus 2 that returned, which I'm sure is basically the reason that I expected him to bounce back again after his last illness too. But it was not meant to be.

Monday, I embarked on my New Beginning.. I confirmed a 4 day Caribbean cruise, traveling alone. I have always needed alone time and I have not been alone for 24 hours since Sanford left us on November 16. When I acknowledged that I do need time alone I took action. My family is proud of me and they all agree that it should be good for me. Having taken so many cruises in the past and liking cruising the way I do.. there should be no problem... I'm not shy nor easily intimidated. Alone.. no one will be concerned about when or why I do or don't do whatever... I can be sociable when and/or if I wish. I'll have my MP3 player and some good books. Later this summer we plan, God willing, to take another family cruise... Our first and last one was in 2005.

I do hope the weather hasn't been treating you as badly as I've seen on TV.

You know why it was so cold on Inauguration day, right? Because the white people said it would be a cold day in hell before a black becomes president!

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything.. they just make the best of everything they have.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year!!! My wish for you is that 2009 is one of the the best years of your life!
I expect it definitely will be one of the most challenging years of my life. But with the grace of God, I will face the future as I know Sanford would want me to.

There was so much I felt I needed to say and now that I'm here, the words won't come. Honestly, there are no words to truly express how thankful I am to all of you for your loving support and the kindness you showed me during the sadest days of my life.

I am aware of just how blessed I am to have such a loving family and caring friends. Toni, Risse, Jese and Kari came from Atlanta to spend Christmas with Colette, Noelle and me. God bless them...during the holidays, they really helped to fill the vacum left by Sanford.

When Donald passed away in 2007, I was so impressed and proud of how strong Pam was and how well she handled becoming a widow. I told her then, "You are so strong. I want to be like you when I grow up". As she was leaving to return home to Atlanta in December, she said to me "Mommy, you are grown up now and you ARE strong!!". We have a rare role reversal here... My Daughter is my role model.... She has reinforced my belief that I can and will make it alone.

I've lost the love of my life, but I still have my family and friends, for which I shall be forever grateful.

As was Said "Better tohave loved and lost , thannever to have loved at all"

Love y'all!!

Weekend of Sanford's Celebration of Life

CLICK HERE: http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLanding.action?c=6749cvu.mb9ln9y&x=0&y=xhc0w5&localeid=en_US

Here we have a slide show of the weekend of Sanford's Celebration Of Life. The first part is Saturday at the Celebration and afterwards at home.
Sunday is at the Hard Rock Cafe with the visiting family members where we had dinner and they checked out the casino...
And the last part is Monday, when we had a lunch celebration of what would have been Sanford's 84th birthday.
The first picture in the slide show is of me and my only sibling, Fred.

Sanford - Daddy - PopPop - San

As some of you already know, Sanford, my dearly beloved husband of 60 happy years was called home by our Dear Lord.
Losing him is very difficult for me and for our family but we take comfort in knowing that he no longer has to deal with earthly troubles and pains, that he is in a better place, that in spirit, he is still with us and that we will be with him again.

I told our girls that if Sanford had a headstone, it would certainly include the phrase that almost everyone has said to us: "He was a very nice man."The second day that he was in hospice, one of his nurses told us: "He is such a nice man.. if all patients were as nice as he is...everyone would want to be a nurse...but, I'm sure that you already know how nice he is." To hear those words from so many people has helped to soften the loss that we're feeling.

Sanford was blessed to have enjoyed a wonderful life here on earth and now he has the Wings and the Halo that everyone knows that he earned.

Relatives, friends and neighbors joined us in a Celebration of Life in his honor Saturday afternoon November 29. A camera malfunction makes it impossible for me to to share with you pictures of the joyous occasion. Later that evening after the celebration, family and friends who had come home with us, wrote messages to Sanford on the helium filled balloons that we'd brought home from the celebration. We then went outside and released them. We watched in awe as they floated up into the atmosphere, all together in a group.

If you have a computer or are able to access one, you are invited to visit the loving Memorial website created by our 3 daughters and we’d be so pleased if you would sign the Memory Book. [We plan to have it printed] http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ourhero/Homepage.aspx

We wish to extend our heartfelt appreciation to all of our friends and neighbors for your kindness, sympathy and loving support at a time when it was needed and deeply appreciated.

Best wishes for a Healthy, Happy, Prosperous New Year.

On The Road Of LIfe

Last night at the hospital, Sanford and the rest of us decided it would be best if he were in a hospice center rather than going back and forth between hospital and rehabs, as has happened, too frequently, the past 5 weeks. It is within a hospital. He is very near and easy for me to get there.

I was satisfied and assured that we had made the right decision when I saw how compassionate, kind and caring the caregivers are and the overall cleanliness.
Your prayrers would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so very much.

Good News

Today for a number of reasons, when I smile it is not just to present a strong front and give the impression that that I am capable of playing the hand that has been dealt us, but the main reason is because Julia is here with me. Julia is our baby daughter, Colette's Godmother.
Our other dear daughters Pam, Toni and and grand daughter Dorienne returned to Atlanta Sunday evening and Julia came Saturday night. Julia came in and took over everything . In our conversations and emails , she knew that I needed her and decided to come, even though she was in NYC with her own daughter who had surgery a few weeks a go.. Julia is like the sister that I never had. With her medical background, she knew exactly how to get everything and service that our insurance entitles us to and how to get it. Sanford does not have to return to a rehab facility [an option we did not know we have],she made sure that we got the needed home equipment and will continue to have some assistance/care, etc. I thank the Lord for sending Julia. She has made it possible for me to see beyond the next minute...hour. I no longer feel helpless and vulnerable. If San continues to get better he will, God willing, be coming home very soon.
Shortly after our girls left for the airport, San became sick and couldn't stop throwing up, we called 911 and they were here in 5 minutes and took him to the ER less than 10 min away. He had pancreatitis and was admitted. He looks good and feels good now..
Thanks for your prayers and please don't stop praying for us, because they are being heard and answered. We love you!!!

The 2nd reason for my smile is Obama is our new president.

"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have".

THE RIDE CONTINUES

After a good weekend, yesterday, Sanford had stomach pain and was unable to keep food down, so rehab decided to send him back to the hospital. After a barrage of tests in the ER, they still don't know why it happened. He was treated and the decision was made to admit him.
We arrived at the hospital by ambulance at 5 PM and I got home at exactly 1 AM.
His group of doctors consulted together and then with us about him coming home soon rather than going back to rehab (with help for me in the the mornings to care for him), Visiting nurse, Physical Therapist and transportation for treatments. So we await their decision. To be continued....

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.You never know who's heart you will touch when you share a piece of your own.